To sum up with...

 

The previous post, ‘The last page of a note’ would be the last story post of this blog. It didn't mean that I would stop writing, I plan to keep on writing in my other blog, weirdo’s spiel (alchemist.blogspot.com), and also in facebook.

I want to find a cool reason why I’m terminating this blog (such as: ‘like Bruce Wayne as Batman, the dual life have taken its toll on me :-) ), but to be honest, the actual reason is ‘the timing’. ‘The last page of a note’ would be a good title for the last story post of a blog, and this post counted, the total post of this blog is exactly 100 (good number for closing a blog, I think :-) ). Other reason is that now is spring, ‘figuratively’ a good time for a new beginning. And even though I’m still under 39 according to solar calendars, I will turn 40 in a few days if I look into lunar calendars, and 40 years-old is also a ‘figuratively’ good timing for starting a new era.

Other ‘logical ‘reason would be that I found that the posts I wrote here these past few years were actually also fit to be posted on weirdo’s spiel, and thus there is no point to write in two separate blogs anymore.

I think I will not delete this blog, maybe because I think I write here mainly for myself. I’d like to know how I change (or grow) from time to time, and reading on how my writing style changes, and of course how my way of thinking reflected on it changes, is one of the good way to know.

It’s been almost 14 years (weirdo’s spiel is longer, though :-) ). 100 posts in 12 years is not a big number, but I decided to write only when I want it, not merely to chase the number, that’s why I’m satisfied with this. When I started blogging I was wondering whether I would still keep on posting after my mid 30s, or after having family, and now I don’t need to wonder anymore :-). I think I’ve grown a lot in the course of writing this blog (it’s 12 years, and it’ll be a little bit pushing if I said nothing had changed :-) ). I hope one day when I look back at these posts again, I can smile and say to myself that I have grown even more from this point.

Okay, that’s all folk, Kadiska, over and out.

The last page of a note

When professor Hinode and I had classes outside Japan, I usually stayed in the classroom even though it was not my turn to give lecture. Listening to professor Hinode lecture was quite an amusing thing to do, and sometimes, I could also just keep myself busy with plenty of things. Reading scientific journals was one of the examples (only sometimes, when the mode was on :-) ), or I could use the time for daydreaming (more likely :-), but hey, that’s not my working hour, so it’s officially permissible for me to do that :-) ). Sometimes I even tried to solve questions that hanging on my mind, like what I did during one of the lectures this year. The question was, what was the derivative of x^x^x^x...x^x (the number of x in the sequence was 100) with respect to x (I think I can hear some of you shouting ‘geek!’ there :-) ). To solve this, I turned to the last page of my note, and started scribbling there. And this reminded me of a habit that started as far as my elementary school days.

During that time, I have a general rule for using a paper notebook in a class: start from the first page to write a note of a lecture; start from middle pages to make paper aeroplanes :-); and start from the last page to write anything in between (i.e. any mumbles that I want to keep record of :-) ). I think most of my childhood friends had more or less the same rule (I don’t know how about the girls, whether they also made paper aircraft - I can check later if you wanna know :-) ). That’s why when I found an old paper notebook, rather than reading from the first page, I prefer to read from the last page, because the content would usually be more fascinating. Of course sometimes I just found fuzzy doodling there (thanks to my ‘artistic’ handwriting :-) ), but sometimes I also found some written chat with my old friends that would unlatch tons of sentimental memories (and yes, if you have never heard about it before, there was a time that had been long gone, when the bird still sang in mellifluous tone, and there ain’t no hoaxes neither dumb smartphone :-), and thus you could do chatting with your friends using paper notebook instead, even though there’s almost no point in it because you’re just several inches away from them :-) ). And the most important thing was, the last pages sometimes also contained ideas and dreams that I jolted down there, which sometimes I even already forgot about because it had been covered by dust of time.

I haven’t done any statistical analysis on this :-), but I believe that the dreams that I wrote down had a better probability to come true compared to those that I just kept on the back of my mind. Those dreams on the back of my mind would be easily washed away by the rain of new dreams that pour from time to time, while those that being kept in a note (even in the trifling last pages :-) ) would spring up from time to time, flirting me to bring them into reality. Sometimes it took time for them to successfully get my attention and put me on action :-), but as time pass by, the possibility would be high for me to finally sit down and take a time thinking about realizing those dreams.

Anyway, I think it is better to keep on dreaming and jolting them down, because dream is what my future made of, so what’s it gonna be if I ever stop dreaming? I wouldn’t worry about running out of pages to ink my dreams on, I believe there would be another new note, with empty last pages, ready to be scribbled upon once I finish the note on my hand :-).

By the way, back to the ‘initial topic’, the derivative of x^x^x^x...x^x (the number of x was 100) with respect to x is (x^98+99*x^98*ln(x))*x^x^x^x...x^x (the number of x in the last x power sequence is 100). And yes, you can call me geek now... :-)

A River to Cross

One of my friends felt troubled because she felt that she cannot be what she want no matter how she tried. Well, I post this lyric to cheer her up - an old song from Billy Joel, called ‘River of Dreams’ (I rearranged some of the wording, though). 

 In the middle of the night,

I go walking in my sleep,

from the mountains of faith,

to a river so deep.

I must be looking for something,

something so undefined.

But the river is wide,

and it’s too hard to cross.

Even though I know the river is wide,

I walk down every evening and stand on the shore.

And try to cross to the opposite side,

so I can finally found out what I’ve been looking for...

Well, all I can say now is, just ‘walk down to the shore every evening’ and don’t push too hard to get across quickly. I believe God will bring you to the other side in style one day – and you will come out of this storm stronger and wiser, so this all will be another verse that rhymed well to the rhapsody of your life.
(It’s not always all sunshine and rainbows on the other side, though - the worries and problems will still chase you down the alley. But once you got across, you will be able to laugh genuinely despite all of worries, and all the problems will make you be more grateful for everything you have. And for me, that’s what a good life is.)